Chapter 19

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It’s been quite a while since I wrote or posted anything but I’d like to get back into the swing of it again.

First of all, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and start to the new year. I think this Christmas and New Years was the best I’ve ever had. I spent my Christmas surrounded by family, and my New Years surrounded by friends. I’ve never been one to really celebrate New Years so it was a nice change actually going out and doing something. London really is the best place to celebrate the new year, especially with friends as incredible as mine (Kate and Abi I love you loads).

I’ve been so busy over the few weeks I had off from Uni with catching up with old friends, seeing family, working and attempting revision. I’m halfway through my exams right now which isn’t the happiest of times but at least they’re almost done. Getting through exams has always been tough for me with my anxiety and panic attacks, but I’m really proud of how I’ve been coping lately.

I’ve also been invited to two interviews for placement in the mental health sector for a year as part of my third year at Uni. It’s exciting but very scary, because the only interviews I’ve ever had are for part-time work. I have no idea what to expect with these interviews but hopefully they go smoothly and with any luck I’ll have a placement lined up soon.

I’ve also applied to work in New York for JDRF, which is the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, for put to two months this coming summer. It’s always been my dream to move to New York, so when I found this opportunity I had to take it. The day I found it was the deadline of application but luckily I was able to send in my CV and get a letter of recommendation from a lecturer in time. So fingers crossed this comes off too.

JDRF is the only diabetes charity I know that focuses on and fights for young people with type one diabetes. All the other charities seem to focus on type two and its so unfair, especially seen as us type ones can’t ever get rid of this shitty condition, yet majority of type twos can. Believe me, and as fussy as I am, I’d rather go on a strict diet for the rest of my life than have to keep jabbing myself with needles.

I’ve come to accept that I’m still not fully in control of my diabetes and although I probably never will have complete control, I need to tighten it a bit more. Contacting JDRF and the possibility of working with them has really put my condition into perspective. I remember my first diabetes nurse told me that if I didn’t control my diabetes, it would control me. My diabetes and my mental health has definitely controlled me over the last six or so years, and although I am taking more of it back I do still struggle.

I found an app called ‘Center’ where type one diabetics can log their food, bloods and insulin throughout the day and also add the type of emotion or physical state you were feeling at the time. I know most blood tests have data memories now, but having it all laid out helps me see what I’m doing and how I can do better. It also helps me see the cause and effect of my mood and my blood sugar, because it can become such a vicious cycle sometimes where one causes the other and vice versa. So I would definitely recommend downloading the app or keeping your own log book if you’re struggling with control at the moment. Same goes for mental health, it’s easier to see traits and patterns when it’s all laid in front of you. That way you can find the source and deal with it then and there.

I’m hoping that after my exams I won’t go into a downward spiral. For me I have more difficulties with my emotions after stressful things like exams rather than before or during. It’s like the calm after the storm. One the storm goes, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I have no routine and no necessity to do anything, so I’ve often had serious depressive episodes. But I’ve got a holiday booked with some amazing people at Uni, I’m then going to see my friend to go to a concert when I get back, and then after that my Uni pals and I are celebrating the end of semester one and the start of what will be a great semester two.

Planning ahead isn’t for everyone, but if you know that you’ll struggle without routine and company, then make some. Even if it’s just a planned day or self-care or if it’s getting a train to the other end of the country to see a friend, plan something to keep yourself in check.

Because I haven’t written in so long I thought I would include some more pieces from my recovery journal. A key section is my ‘Nurture Yourself’ page, which includes:

– sit in the sun (although that’s not very easy to do in miserable old England right now, and isn’t great if you suffer from seasonal depression)

– Wash face, body, hair

– Wear soft and comfortable clothes

– Take a bubble bath

– Burn incense or candles of smells that bring happy memories (for me thats lavender because it reminds me of the little pillows of lavender my Nanna used to give me to help me sleep)

– Go on a drive with the windows down to somewhere calm and safe (again not that easy at this time of year)

– Listen to calming/uplifting music

– Meditate (if you find meditation difficult then just sit somewhere other than your bedroom and focus on your breathing and relaxing your muscles to start off)

– Walk in nature (difficult to do now, seriously can you tell I want winter to be over)

– Plan out the week ahead

I also have a page called ‘Dealing with Worries’ which is a bit similar to coping with panic attacks which I mentioned my guiding points in a previous post. But this is more about general worries rather than sudden and impactful panics:

– Work out what is bothering/worrying

– Write it all down

– Can I do anything about it?

– If so, what can I do about it?

– If it is possible to sort out or reduce worry, be positive about it

– If its is not possible, throw away the written worry and think about next steps

– Remember not everything can be controlled

I hope some of these are helpful to anyone and please keep dropping me your messages if you need a chat or advice or someone to rant to. It’s great hearing from so many people. I’m going to try to get back to writing every couple of weeks but everything is so busy at the moment so not sure when I’ll be posting next.

Thanks for reading, stay beautiful x

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Chapter 18

Eyo. It seems like I’m starting every single post saying thank you at the moment. But I’m doing it again anyway. Everyone that sent those lovely messages after reading my last post you have no idea how uplifting and helpful it was. It was so heart warming to know so many people read my stuff even though I think the majority of what I write is shit to read. It really shocked me how many of you have experienced similar things to what I unfortunately went through. But it’s amazing how you’ve all come out the other end as such stronger people. So thank you for reminding me that I can do the same.

Right back to it. I started last week off by going out with some mates and just making sure that the week before wasn’t going to affect my fun. I think my way of coping with a lot of things are to just move on and get over it. I know a lot of people need to talk and express how they feel but for a lot of things I’ve gone through, there’s nothing I can do about it so I just move on with my life. And that’s what I did.

On Wednesday my society at University held a Christmas formal which was lovely and a few of my closest friends came out to the club afterwards as well. It was so great to see everyone was having a good time at something we had single handedly organised. Making other people happy is what makes me happy. In my eyes, our purpose in living is to have an effect on other people. Even if it’s a stranger or your closest friend, if you can impact their lives in a positive way then you’re doing something right.

Later on in the week I found out some people I know had accused me of lying about what had happened last week to get attention. I’m not really sure if I was upset or angry, but it hit me hard at first. To have someone accuse you of lying about something that affected me physically and mentally all for attention just felt disgusting. It made me think that maybe I shouldn’t have told anyone about what happened, maybe that’s why they thought I was attention seeking because I was so open about it all. But I had time to think about it and I realised that it really doesn’t matter what other people will think of me. I was willing to open up about it so that I could face the reality of it and move on. If they believe that I’m capable of making up something like that, then they don’t know me at all. What matters is what my friends and family think of me, so in other words, they can go fuck themselves ☺️

This week I had a heart monitor fitted as I’ve been having some issues where my heart rate just goes crazy for no reason and then that causes a panic attack. My anxiety has never really had any triggers, so it makes sense that my heart rate going up could be the cause of it because that’s always my first sign of a panic attack.

I went out with my friend (Chloe you’re a drunk mess but I love you for that) and her housemates that night as it was my last night out at Uni before Christmas, and the bloody thing wouldn’t stop beeping. I ended up taking the batteries out and chucking it in my bag. I got it sorted out the next day when I had to go to hospital for a heart scan so it wasn’t really an issue.

My weekend went pretty shit. I had to get an ambulance to hospital because I was yacking up and my blood levels and ketones were through the roof. Diabetics will know how scary it is when your levels can just shoot up in such a short space of time. Luckily I was discharged later on that afternoon because the doctors were able to lower my bloods and ketones to a safe level and I was fortunate enough that I didn’t go into DKA.

Just for people who don’t know, DKA is diabetic ketoacidosis, which is a complication of diabetes when your body produces high levels of blood acids called ketones because they’re not enough insulin in your body. Your blood literally turns acidic. And it makes you feel like absolute shite.

I’m still on the mend at the moment and still fighting shitty blood levels but I’m getting there. My manager was so understanding when I told her I couldn’t work this weekend, so I’m taking a few days to finally let myself get over this bloody illness that’s been coming back for months now.

We always feel bad when we take time out for ourselves, but I’ve never understood why. Yes it may be letting other people down, or causing complications in plans. But if you’re not physically and/or mentally well, you have to get yourself better and back on track. That’s something I’ve only just started to take notice of. I’ve always pushed myself to go into Uni, to work my shifts, to meet my friends. But sometimes it’s okay if all you need is to focus on yourself. No one should feel ashamed for putting themselves first. Those close to you will understand that you’re not ditching them or leaving them, but you’re merely taking care of yourself. Be more kind to yourself, not just to others. And cut yourself some slack. Because you’re doing amazing.

Chapter 17

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Hello again! Once again I wanted to start off saying thank you to everyone that liked my recent post and for all of your lovely messages. I was meant to post this yesterday but my last two weeks have been so busy and hectic that I have only just got round to writing.

My first week started off a bit rubbish. On the Tuesday I sent off the worst piece of coursework I’ve ever had (stats I hate you) and received back my first lot of coursework of this semester, which didn’t go as well as I had hoped. It also would have been my three-year anniversary with my ex and it just made me realise how much time I had wasted when I could have been doing so much more with my life. I’m lucky that I’m now spending my time so much better and making up for it by being with my amazing friends, focusing more at University, not holding myself back and just allowing myself to be who I want to be.

The next day I decided to go back to my parents for a couple of days, just to get away from Uni stress for a while. I pulled a Britney and got a lot of my hair chopped off, but to be fair I did need it cut anyway so it wasn’t a full Britney breakdown. I then came back home ready to work the weekend which was bloody awful as it was Black Friday weekend. I’ve never hated human beings more than that weekend. As much as I love my job, I was so relived when we finally shut the doors at the end of each shift.

The week after wasn’t the best either. It started off pretty nice, but on Wednesday night I had planned to go out with my friend but because she was ill I went out with another group of my friends instead. I had a great time with them but because none of them live near me, I walked home on my own.

I’ve been debating whether to post about what happened but I’ve decided that I’m not going to hide it, because talking about it and getting it out there has really helped me get through these past few days.

When I was walking home on Wednesday night after I left the club on campus and my friends had gone their way, I was attacked about half way home. Three guys were shouting at me, yelling horrible things, and if anyone knows me well you’ll know I give it back. So me being me, I shouted back, told them to fuck off. They started laughing at me and that’s when I got hit on the head with a glass bottle. From there my head and memory is a bit hazy, and I’m not going to go into details about what happened next. After I realised what was happening I started shouting ‘fire’ because I was always told people are more likely to help if they think they’re at risk as well. I managed to smack one of them in the face and kicked another, I can’t lie, I’m pretty proud that I held my own.

They ran off after they heard someone walking across the bridge above so I ran up to ask for help. There wasn’t anyone there, it was a squirrel. A fucking squirrel. Thank god for that squirrel making a noise otherwise I don’t know how much worse it could have been.

I got myself checked out and I’m physically okay, the cut from the bottle on my head was the worst thing as it gave me a minor concussion and bruising around my face. I’m still shaken up, but I’m doing really well overcoming this. My parents have been incredible with helping me out, they came and brought me back so I didn’t have to be alone. But I came back home to work on the weekend, where I told my manager and colleagues who have all been incredible too.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to my friend Danae who looked after me all day afterwards, you have no idea how much I appreciate you. Massive thank you to my psych girls Rachel, Chloe and Izzy for staying with me on my first night back at home, I love you all. Also a big thank you to my friends back at my old home for being on the end of the phone for me when I’ve needed a cry or, and more often, me being pissed off.

It’s really strange that I’ve been more angry than upset about it all. I think because I know that physically I’m going to be okay, I can then deal with it emotionally. At first I was angry at myself, but then I realised I have no reason to be. I didn’t do anything wrong. I should be able to walk home alone at night without worrying who is following me. Girls are made to feel they are at fault when they are the victims of sexual assault, and it makes me sick.

To anyone that has ever gone through an assault or attack, I urge you to speak to people because they more you let it out, the more you’ll realise that you’re stronger than the person/people who did this to you. You’re worth more than the scum that do this, you’re worth more than you’ll know. And it’s not your fault, no matter what other people say to you to bring you down and try to blame you, it is not your fault.

I’m not really sure how to finish this post, this was more of a therapeutic stress relief for me to get it out there. I know its going to hit me at times, and I’m sure they’ll be more tears. But for now I’m okay, and I’m getting there.

Chapter 16

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Hi. So it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything and I’ve got three weeks worth of stuff to write a post about but I just haven’t had the time recently. Instead I thought I’d do a quick overview and then include things from my Recovery Journal. I’m also going to change how often I’m posting to every two weeks where I’ll write about what’s happened in those two weeks rather than run it a week later.

Since I last wrote I’ve had two lots of coursework in with the third due tomorrow, and I’m shitting myself at getting it back with a grade because it’s been so difficult to judge whether what we do is right or wrong this year. I have managed to hand everything in way before their deadlines so that’s always a bonus and gets it out the way.

Halloween was a bit of a fuck up. I was all ready to go out but then I just had a change in heart and decided to stay home with my housemates. I’d been out so much lately that I just thought I’d taken some time for myself and have some headspace. I’m really glad I did that because even though I know I would’ve enjoyed a night out, sometimes you have to put your physical and mental health first and just take time out.

One of my oldest friends from back home came to visit me too which was fab (Holly I love you loads). We went to see a music gig in this tiny venue that’s only a couple of minutes walk from my house and I was so amazing despite being punched in the face and having beer tipped on my head. Oh well, they wasted a £5 half a pint the idiot. It felt so good to just not care about anything and dance and sing and just have a good time. The next night we went out to my Uni campus’ club with a bunch of my Uni mates so it was nice to have that combination of Uni and home friends together.

The next week (last week) was a bit of a blur. I was at Uni a lot, working loads, making questionable decisions and then ended up really ill on the weekend. I’m still not 100% but I’m better than I was and writing all of this out has definitely helped clear my head up a bit. I don’t think it’s the depression as much, but more just feeling in general that brings my mood down sometimes. But I’d rather feel than feel nothing at all like I used to, I’m grateful for all the shitty moods I have because it means I’m feeling and I’m human. Which is something I didn’t feel like for so long.

That’s the summary of the last three weeks really, or at least all the main important parts, so I thought I’d include some of my tips in what to do in a panic attack.

  • First off, and as silly and tedious as it sounds, try to keep your breathing steady
  • Hold something or sit in your hands to avoid scratching, hitting or pulling at my hair – something I tend to do while I’m stressed
  • Remind myself it will pass just like everything else
  • Keeps to quiet and empty spaces, avoid crowds, noise and heat
  • Cool myself down with cold water on the insides of my wrists – something I told my friend to do not long ago and she said it helped her too
  • Sip cold water

I also have some alternatives to self harm which I thought might be quiet useful to some people:

  • Flick an elastic band either in your hand or on yourself, it has the same stinging sensation but the marks won’t scar
  • Tally up the reasons to hurt myself and then make a reason not to for each one and remind myself the reasons not to are more important
  • Distraction – any form of distraction will do
  • Exercise – take the dark thoughts out on a punching bag, running as fast as I can, doing as many sit ups as possible
  • Talk to someone, whether it’s about feelings or something irrelevant
  • Don’t be alone, no one has to go through anything alone
  • Put on loud music and scream if I have t
  • Draw with a red pen

I know these tips are ones that I’ve found are suited to me so they may not suit everyone but I thought it would be good to share them in case they’re helpful at all. But I think it’s good to share what we find helps us, because we can learn from each other and find new ways to get through the shit days.

I’ll be back writing again in two weeks and I’ll try and keep it up as much as I can, so thank you to everyone that reads this pile of rubbish.

Chapter 15

I’m back bitches. Just wanted to start off by saying thank you for all the kind feedback from my last post. I really didn’t expect so many of you to find it even mildly interesting so it was a huge surprise to know a lot of you found it useful.

My week started off pretty fucking great because my best friend came to visit me for a few days. We met over 5 years ago on holiday and have stayed in touch ever since and he’s the closest, most trustworthy friend I’ve ever had (George I bloody love you buddy). I think he probably knows more about myself than I do at this rate. He’s been there for me through thick and thin, always on the end of the phone when I need him. So I just wanted to say how grateful I am to have you in my life PRINCESS GEORGINA! ❤

Monday night I took him out to meet some of my Uni and work mates. It was such a good night having a mix of people that mean a lot to me and have helped make me the person I am now and not the person I was a few months ago. So to all of you, you know who you are, thank you for making every day worth living and making every day a happy day.

Tuesday we went to the cinema to see the new Johnny English film because we’re both secretly four years old at heart. Wednesday I drove us up to Thorpe Park only to find out that they didn’t accept student discount on the gate, you apparently have to book in advance if you want to get money off. So we drove all that way for nothing, just to come home and watch High School Musical 2 instead. We’re mature, I know.

Thursday morning I had to say goodbye to George and he knows I’m shit at goodbyes. But I know we’ll make sure to see each other more often now that we live closer seen as our Unit aren’t far from one another. And I also know we’ll see more of each other because I actually enjoy leaving the house now. It was only today that I thought about it properly. Last year at Uni, after getting home from lectures (if I even went to them), I would just get in bed and sleep. I hardly left my bed, the only time I would get dressed is if I had to go out. Even when I was supposed to go out I would make excuses to stay in the house anyway. It’s only really hit me that I was so depressed last year.

It’s hard to admit that you didn’t make it easier, that you yourself actually made your mental health worse by giving into the dark thoughts of low self worth and low self esteem. I made it so much worse for myself by letting myself believe that I was just a piece of shit, the life wasn’t worth living. I can finally take the responsibility for my metal health, and in doing so I can make myself happier.

I think in a way I did heavily rely on people to keep going and to make it through each day. Unfortunately I often relied on the wrong people, one person in particular. So riding myself of those negative people who didn’t help me but only re-emphasised those horrible thoughts in my head. I may have been the one to choose to stay in bed, but those thoughts and those people were the ones that kept me there.

But I know thats not my fault. I can take responsibility but that doesn’t mean I have to take the blame. So many people with mental health issues feel they are to blame of their state of mind, but its not their fault. Like me, they’re just unfortunate to have an illness. Whether ti be serious or mild, short term or permanent, it is an illness. And illnesses need treatment. But that treatment starts with you and admitting ‘yes, I have a problem. Yes, I haven’t tried to fix it’.

It’s taking time, but I’m slowly learning how to be by myself. Even though the things and people I used to rely on weren’t good for me, I still relied on having them there. But being alone doesn’t mean you are lonely. Sometimes being alone is good for you to partake in mindfulness activities and learn more about yourself. I’ve learnt so much about myself in the past couple of months, and I’m looking forward to learn more.

So I guess the main message for this post is to anyone who feels like their worth depends on someone or something, it doesn’t. Your worth depends on you and only you. Only you can take that first step, then you can look for guidance along the way. If admitting to yourself you have a problem means you have to physically tell yourself in a mirror then so be it. Don’t run from your issues, don’t hide from them, and don’t put them onto other people. Work through them, take responsibility, and see yourself as a new-found person. Because that person will be stronger and better than anyone before.

Chapter 14

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Helloooo, I know I didn’t write anything last week but I’ve just been so busy with Uni coursework and work and society meetings that I just didn’t have the time. So I’m going to join the two weeks together into this post and then should be back to normal next week.

First off, I’m going to start this post off with a bit of a rant. Well actually, more of a question. Why do some men feel it is appropriate to shout abuse at girls when they refuse to accept their catcalls as a compliment? Seriously, I was wearing a pair of knee socks with a skirt. Fucking socks. I’m covering up more than what I would if I was bare-legged. Yet some people feel they have the right to beep, shout and yell at me as I’m walking home alone. I find it so disgusting that most of the men that shouted at me that day were old enough to be my dad. It feels so degrading and humiliating and honestly it can get scary especially when two guys end up following you down the street in their car. Big up to my mate Izzy who just told them to fuck off.

I don’t care if its meant as a compliment or anything like that, it is harassment to shout horrible things at someone based on the way they look or are dressed. A few months ago I used to break down crying whenever it happened to me because it just shot my anxiety through the roof. I’m lucky that I am able to brush it off and have friends that stick up for me, hell I even punched a guy in the club a few weeks ago who wouldn’t let go of my hair and kept touching me. But I know so many girls that have really been affected mentally by things like this and it is not on. If you really want to compliment a girl on the way she looks, walk up to her and say it. Don’t scream across the street at her or follow her in your shitty car when she doesn’t respond.

Anyway, onto the next week because the only other stuff that happened that week is all work work work. Monday I went out shopping with my fabulous housemate Izzy aka my personal sass queen. We’re really a bad influence on each other because all we do is hype one another up whenever we contemplate buying more stuff we don’t need. I was in a bit of a low mood that day but Izzy being Izzy always gets me talking and cheers me up. It’s so important to stick around with the people who make you feel warm and comfortable in yourself. In Psychology we studied recently how being around good people can lead you to estimate a higher room temperature, whereas being isolated leads you to believe it is colder. It really is amazing how the way you feel emotionally and mentally can affect your physical state. So stick with people that make you feel like sunshine.

The rest of the week we all had lectures but our BioPsych lecture on Thursday really hit close to home. It was about motivational behaviour in regards to eating, so it covered a lot of eating disorders as well as the physical side of actually digesting food and it’s effect on the body. I’ve studied eating disorders since GCSE level so I’m past the phase where it affects me when people are talking about issues that I’ve had to deal with, as well as so many other people I know. But then my lecturer had a slide about diabetes after discussing insulin and ho it moves glucose into the cell. To me it was interesting to learn more about the actual biology of my condition and I was so happy she distinguished between type 1 and 2 because they really are completely different. She then went on to discuss diabulimia. I nearly started crying when she spoke about how so few people to know about it yet so many diabetics suffer from it without even knowing. She explained how diabulimia is a form of eating disorder that many type 1 diabetics experience where they don’t take or take very small dosages of insulin compared to the required amount to maintain a healthy state, all in order to lose weight. Where there isn’t enough insulin, the cells are starved of glucose and the person becomes hungrier and hungrier and may even eat more but will continue to lose weight and energy.

My close friends know that up until a few months ago I didn’t take my insulin properly for years, so when they all just looked at me as our lecturer was describing the biggest mental health issue I struggle with, I nearly broke down. It felt so strange for someone to talk about it as a real illness, because diabulimia is not spoken about anywhere near enough. Almost all diabetics go through a point in their lives where they use don’t want to do it anymore, and so a lot of them will just give up for a bit, or worst case forever. I’ve never really opened up about my diabulimia for fear of people not understanding, but the only way to get people to understand is for more people to come forward and share their experiences. I still struggle with it today, and most likely will for the rest of my life. To have type 1 diabetes is to be handed an eating disorder alongside it because your entire life evolves around food and carbohydrates and insulin. You have to be so uptight and controlling with everything that it becomes an obsession at times, but then can get too much so that it becomes something you ignore. I’m still trying to find a middle ground with it but I know I’m getting there.

I think it’s so important to keep on top of my condition whereas before I just didn’t care at all, but not to be too controlling with it. I know several people who read my posts are diabetic and I know a lot of them have had mental health issues alongside it. So I thought I’d share my top three rules about dealing with the physical and mental sides of living with diabetes and mental health issues.

My first rule is to always check bloods as soon as you wake up. To me that is the most important one because the sooner you correct and high or low, the sooner you can start your day and feel like a normal-oh-look-at-me-with-my-working-pancreas-person. Of course our pancreas will probably never worked, it’s fucked, let’s be honest. But correcting your blood sugar with insulin injections or pump boluses can seriously improve your start to the day and your mood. The healthier you feel, the happier you can be.

My second rule is always bolus for highs and for food intake. Us diabetics aren’t fortunate enough to have decent natural insulin, we have artificial insulin that increases the appetite, lowers metabolism and can increase weight. So you see why someone with issues with how they look, with weight, with eating, won’t want to take insulin. It still scares me when I have to take a large dose because I know what effects it can have. That’s why diabetics are guided towards a healthy diet. There is no such thing as a diabetic diet, it is just being healthy. We have to eat, we have to take insulin, otherwise our body will shut down much quicker than a normal person that has decreased their food intake. But it can sometimes be petrifying when your life is revolved around numbers. Number of carbs, number on the scales, number on the stupid fucking BMI chart, number of units of insulin, number of your blood glucose. It’s shit. But it’s vital to allow even when you don’t want to, and just deal with the emotions as they come.

My third and final rule, is to not get yourself down or feel guilty if you miss a blood test or a bolus. I would feel so bad when I started to not do my bloods or take my insulin as much, that it put me in such a low mood that I would give up with it completely. You just have to say to yourself, ‘yep I didn’t do what I was meant to, but I can catch up with it now’. Sure playing catch up isn’t the right way, but it’s better than giving up completely. If you forgot to do your bloods an hour or so ago, just do them now and deal with what’s shown on the meter. Getting your physical health on track is a major step in getting your mental health on track. It’s just one less thing to worry about.

I’m sorry this post has been a bit of a weird one, starting with a rant and then finishing with tips for diabetics. I just wanted to write something different this time because these things have really hit close to home and I’d rather share that than bottle it up and write about something that doesn’t really mean as much to me. Cheers for reading x

Chapter 13

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Hellooooo. So Monday was my first proper day back at Uni, back to lectures and no more freshers. It sounds silly but I’ve been so excited to see what lectures and modules I have this year, I’m just so ready to start this new year. Well, I was until Tuesday where I caught the flu. It’s absurd that you don’t have to be a fresher to catch freshers flu.

Wednesday I saw my therapist for a scheduled meeting and it was really nice to be able to sit there and feel comfortable just opening up to her about everything. She helped me with some meditation techniques as a way of calming and relaxing the body. If you have an active mind like me, it’s close to impossible to meditate properly without your thoughts wandering off to the next planet. My way of meditating is focusing on my breathing and taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly. Then with each breath in, picture the goodness of that air flowing to a specific part of your body and feel it relax. And then picture the bad stuff flowing out when you exhale. I usually start with my toes and work my way up to my neck and my head. It’s amazing how much tension you can release, especially the tension you didn’t even realise was there.

Thursday was my last day of lectures for the week and I was absolutely spent. I’d been up early for each day and home late due to lectures and all the extra work I have for the society I’m a part of. Plus, the fact I could hardly breathe due to the flu giving me a painful chest and cough didn’t really help energise me. I was so exhausted I just started crying and I couldn’t just sit there on my own in my room. So I went home for the night and just let myself feel a bit sorry for myself with my parents. I’m glad I took that step to as for help, as if I hadn’t I think I would’ve ended up spiralling downwards. Luckily, I noticed all the signs of a bout of depression coming on so I acted on it before it got worse. I’m still not feeling quite myself but I know it’s just where everything has got on top of me and it’s just weighed me down recently.

I came back home on Friday ready to work for the weekend. Working really does help me take my mind off of things. It definitely helps that my co workers are all such amazing people who I’m lucky enough to call my friends. It’s strange to think I only met them two or so months ago and now some of them are the closest people to me.

Saturday night my mate from Uni (Danae I fucking love you) and a few from work (you know who you are you sexy things) went out for drinks and then me and one of my work mates went onto a club. I started off the night with the two of us, and ended it with a group of ten random people I met on the dance floor. To be honest, the nights where you make friends are the best nights because you make new memories with new people. You may not even see them again, or in my case you may not even remember their names. But you’ll remember the memories of those good nights out.

I find it so crazy that I’m able to meet new people and make new friends so quickly. Only a few months ago and the thought of even speaking to a stranger would freak me out, let alone scream Grease Lightening with them. So here’s to more friends and more terrible singing.